CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER SEVEN

HUSBAND AND WIFE

Section Three

The Character of the Husband

The very first matter for a man is to settle what he is living for. If this matter is not settled with confidence and firmness, no principle or moral rule will work. If a man has chosen to live as a Muslim, then naturally he is required to have a firm resolve, in accordance with the teachings of Islam, about the destination he is heading for. A man must settle the answers to the following questions at the latest in his youth — before he marries. “What am I living for? What is my main duty in life?” “How should I live so that it is right?” — here a man must seriously know that choosing a favorite profession, mastering a favorite craft, and various other feelings, everyday longings and dreams are nothing but childishness. It is the work of the wise to realize that a human being will not attain all his material goals as he wishes. “What will become of me after death?” Since a person knows that after he dies he passes into the world of spirits and at once meets torment or comfort in accordance with his life in this world, and since he understands that once the affairs of the whole world are concluded and the Day of Judgment comes, the reckoning of deeds is certain beyond doubt, it is the work of a sound person to plan his life accordingly. Once this matter is firmly settled, the man's second trait in the family is jealousy and the confidence of ownership: “The family is mine. The wife is mine. The children are mine. I am answerable and responsible for them in both worlds. Every event in my family is on my shoulders — both its good and its bad concern me.” The wife is a trust given by Allah to the husband; the husband takes ownership of this trust and tries not to let it slip from his hands. First and foremost, this means not using the word of divorce (talaq) toward his wife. After marrying, he removes the word talaq from his vocabulary and the thought that divorce is possible from his mind. The thought “The wife is mine, and I will not give her to anyone” settles firmly in his heart, his self and his mind. Through this thought, the temptation to pronounce talaq on his wife disappears completely. If talaq is not pronounced, the family withstands any earthquake. Foolish wives may shout, “Give me my divorce!” — one must not follow their foolishness and must not fulfill these foolish demands of theirs. It must not be forgotten: once you have taken a wife, she is yours; forget about what upbringing she received in her father's house; a ready-made, mature wife will never come to you; over the years you carefully bring her to perfection in character and intellect, in discernment and fortitude. Do not blame the wife. She was created so weak precisely so that she would be submissive to you. If she did not have many faults, why should she obey you? The imperfect need the perfect because of their imperfection. A man is cool-headed and composed. In matters of reprimand and punishment he is never hasty. Some of the wife's faults are overlooked. They are not mentioned. Even at times when he becomes very cheerful with his wife, it is good not to lose his composure and reason — then no excessive words will leave his tongue. A man is obliged to keep secrets. He must keep the secrets of his parents, his brothers, his relatives, and his wife. Grumbling and complaining about his own parents, brothers and sisters ultimately leads to a very great loss: from that moment the wife, without realizing it herself, begins to disregard her husband. A man thinks far ahead — he deeply analyzes the consequences of every word, decision and deed: “What answer (reaction) will follow this word now? Once I make this decision, will it be possible to carry it out? What result will come of this deed?” In this sense, it is fitting that he not give a definite and firm answer to the things the wife demands and the tasks she asks for, not fulfill all the demands, and limit himself to saying, “We'll think about it.” The man does not shape time according to the wife's wishes; rather, proceeding from his own circumstances and possibilities and relying on morality and fairness, he arranges time: how often the wife goes to her mother's house; how often she wears new clothes; how often she is given flowers or sweets as a gift; how often they go to gardens and parks to rest — the husband oversees all such things.

The wife must feel the husband above her, know that she may never make independent decisions, and live accordingly. The wife wants to get whatever her heart desires quickly; taking the situation into account and looking at circumstances does not occur to her; in solving problems she looks only at the surface — the man must know these traits. If the wife gets nervous, becomes agitated, or shows ignorance, the man need not do the same. The problem between them will not be solved by quarrels, insults or fights. Even if the wife's reason weakens because her wishes were not fulfilled, it is not out of the question that during a quarrel she deliberately tries to provoke her husband's anger. That is why it is right for the husband not to lose his reason and not to let go of his calm and tranquility. Then the wife, perceiving how great the person before her is and how weak and small she is before him, will surrender. The husband must develop the wife's thinking and intellect through analysis and reflection. For this he himself is required to be thoughtful enough and patient before his wife, standing at a high level. It is to the husband's benefit to know the differences between himself and his wife. The husband is intelligent and patient — the wife loses her reason and is hasty. The husband thinks over every word before he speaks — the wife speaks without thinking. The husband is capable of admitting his mistake — a woman does not admit her mistake. The husband does not believe talk that comes from one side only; in particular, he knows that not all of the wife's information is accurate, because women add their own imagination, agitation, hatred and love to their attitudes and reports — the wife believes almost every piece of news wholeheartedly; she thinks even contradictory statements are true; things charged with emotion — tears, music and the like — quickly convince a woman; she cannot get out from under the influence of what she has heard; she passes on what she has heard to others as if it were proof; even when she is at fault, she keeps justifying herself. The husband answers questions without haste; he gives his opinion after thinking; he does his work with composure — the wife, as soon as she hears a question, answers, without even needing to understand it; she hardly thinks before or after giving an opinion; she does her work quickly and in order to boast. The husband is firm, strong, compassionate and merciful — a woman bends before firm strength; to reach her goal she spins lies and schemes; she forgets mercy and compassion. Sometimes she will not let go of something that has got into her head. The wife's main aim is to captivate her husband, to amaze him, to hear praise from him, to receive favor and kindness from him. Understanding these factors, the husband must spend his praise, his admiration, his favor and kindness according to a plan — as a result of excessive softness the wife stops valuing any kind word or attention; without realizing it, she moves on to treating her husband with disrespect. Sitting by the wife's side without ever leaving and talking with her about everything works to the husband's detriment. Everything requires keeping to its measure. If the husband does not tell his wife about the money in his pocket, the salary he will receive, the income he earns, the amount of his debts, his plans for the future, the password — the code — of his phone, the places he goes, his friends and such things, he only gains by it. For such information confuses a woman's thoughts; when she is angry, forgetting what she is saying, at moments when she says whatever comes to mind, she will put these things on the market as well. The husband pays attention to everything the wife says but does not answer. Yet he must remember the wife's words, because through them he analyzes what shape the wife's character, nature and thoughts are taking and how her mood is changing, and accordingly he devises a strategy for showing her kindness and attention. Thus the man manages the wife completely; he does not fall within the wife's sphere of influence; he wholly attunes his wife's emotions and mind to himself; he does not use the wife as a support or a material resource, that is, he does not demand that she work or give him financial help. If the wife is clay, the man is the mold; as the mold is, so the brick takes its shape.

Sometimes we hear some people say that the wife needs to be encouraged, or the philosophy that behind a great man stands a great woman. The husband must be so spiritually robust, intellectually mature and morally steadfast that his very presence and his glances are an encouragement to his wife. If the husband brings her up well, the wife can be not a fetter on his feet but even a helper in his great deeds; but even then the husband has no right to step outside his status and his moral rules. Any wife is capable of carrying out her husband's commands. She may rebel once, rebel twice; but if the husband continues without haste, with composure, standing firm in his opinion and his command, the wife will certainly find no remedy but to submit to her husband. “My wife does not submit to me” is not a man's saying; after all, a wife does not have the capacity to carry out all of her husband's commands fully and perfectly. Some of her half-finished tasks are let pass; a wife is a wife with her normal shortcomings. If she were free of faults as the husband would wish, then she would no longer be a wife — she would be a husband. Needless and frequent anger has a negative effect on the husband's prestige. The wife is not to be met with misplaced anger; on the contrary, she is approached with compassion, in view of her weakness. The husband must never stop instilling in his wife the idea: “Your main duty is to make the family flourish and prosper!” The wives of today need just this kind of upbringing. Let the husband not rejoice at the praise of his wife he hears from his mother or sisters, nor be upset by complaints; let him not change his attitude toward his wife based on their words; or, conversely, let his treatment of and thoughts about his parents, brothers, their wives and his sisters not change based on his wife's words — both sides belong to the female sex; their assessments are clearly and plainly flawed and one-sided, and a woman's emotional attitude is hidden in all their opinions; the man must not become a captive of this; he must examine every situation with rational analysis. The husband does the household shopping based on the wife's list, but he himself is personally responsible for keeping account of the food — it is no surprise for a woman to take waste lightly; so that there is no such thing as cooking excess food and letting it spoil, throwing it in the trash, or allowing weevils to get into the rice, let the man master the proper measure of shopping well, because as a result of making the household overabundant, waste increases and the family may lose its barakah.

They say some husbands demand that their wives work and pocket the money the wife earns without hesitation. Such husbands have long been off the list of husbands. The wife thought she was marrying a husband, but it turns out she married a wife. If the wife wants to work, it is probably permissible for her, after she has excelled in worship of Allah, service to her husband and upbringing of the children, to do work that is carried out independently and does not require her to bow her head to other men or women. Bowing her head both to her own husband and to another man does not seem a very logical situation. A wife who throughout her life bows her head to only one man — her own spouse — is a true princess, a true queen, a free woman, a noblewoman. But it seems one ought to think that standing in wait for the orders and commands of others while leaving her own husband aside is, first of all, contrary to a woman's nature and to the husband's sense of honor. Since husband and wife live as a community, and their union, formed by the covenant of marriage, has been written in the presence of Allah, it is natural for the husband to be strict with his wife where appropriate and attentive where appropriate. For these practices the husband is required to be a skilled politician. He must not commit various acts of bad manners and foolishness on the grounds that “I am the husband, we are one family”; he must restrain himself when the occasion calls for it, and he must look at every event with the eye of reason and trust, composure and patience. In pointing out the wife's mistake, one must be sweet-spoken and firm. Firmness behind gentleness, even if it does not please the wife's ego, captivates her heart.

As a wife lives with her husband for a long time, her intellect increases; her discernment deepens; she begins to feel responsibility; she frees herself from selfishness; gradually not her ego but her reason begins to prevail; as a result of being influenced by her husband, even wiser advice and sensible suggestions come from her — the husband must not overlook this and, if it is found fitting, may put it into practice. Let the husband not turn the family into darkness and gloom in the name of being strict; let him not turn it into a place where everyone's voice has gone silent and everyone is sick of one another. Likewise, let him not turn the family into a circus or a house of mockery in the name of being kind and generous — let the family be a peaceful abode, full of love and affection, where manners and morals are practiced, where everyone supports one another, and to which everyone is drawn. In conclusion, the husband is the wife's owner, her mentor, her overseer, her friend; it is proper for him to treat his wife with the same care with which he treats a child; holding the building of the family firm depends on the husband in almost every respect; the husband takes all the responsibility on his shoulders; with skill and tact, discernment and firmness, fortitude and wisdom, policy and leadership he holds the wife, and ultimately the family, together. We did not dwell on everyday matters such as that the husband should pamper his wife and give her gifts; if manhood exists in perfect form in his nature, every man will do this with his own discernment; there is no need to put it on the market.

Akrom MALIK