Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

THE IN-LAWS

Section Five

The Groom and His In-Laws

As the respected reader has probably noticed, we are striving to explain every situation in the family in detail and to set out the unchanging rules. The fact that, after the section called Husband and Wife, we are covering the bride and the groom in separate sections should make it clear that these sections are about husbands and wives properly fulfilling their duties as daughter-in-law and son-in-law, and about their conduct in that position. When a groom is newly married, he is overexcited, beside himself, flying in the seventh heaven. His face glows, and he cannot hold back the elation welling up inside him. His young bride seems very sweet to him, and, filled with ardor, he says whatever comes to his mind. This is needed too. It should be so. But reason and modesty are the lifeblood of life, the scale of right living. However much the groom soars and flutters, he should try to restrain himself and stay calm and composed. Let him make an effort so that needless words do not fly out of his mouth, whether in front of his friends or in front of his parents. Let him not slip into luxury and pretense for the sake of hopes and wishes. Let him not be deceived by the spectacle of the wedding and think that it will always be like this. However sweet the young bride may be, she is above all the joy of the eye, the delight of the heart, a wonderful gift of life. That is, the young bride is not an idol or an image to be worshiped and bowed down to, and there is no need to fulfill all her wishes. It is better not to fill her lap with hollow nuts by making her all sorts of promises. Of course, a real man does not spare sweet words in his time as a groom; he is generous with praise and compliments. It is good for the young groom to be cheerful and bright-faced in his private quarters, but in front of his parents to be serious toward his bride, to speak little, and as far as possible not to speak to her at all. These words have nothing to do with dancing at today's weddings, cutting and eating cakes, or going up at the bride's greeting ceremony to kiss her forehead; that is, those who follow that path will not be able to do what we say. These are recommendations meant for those who say, “I will follow this classical, old way.”

During the first forty days it is good for the groom to go in to his bride early, and it is advisable that he not go out at all in the evening. But if his conduct reflects modesty and reserve, that is what looks beautiful. It is also sensible not to talk about the bride to his mother, so that tomorrow everything will go in due measure. The dear mother, being a woman, may become jealous of her son because of the bride; for this reason, showing affection to the bride in the mother's presence turns into bad manners. The games of love (loving words and glances) are beautiful when kept hidden. If the mother happens to criticize the bride to her son, let the son lower his head and by no means defend his young bride; let him say something like “I will bring her to her senses,” and let him not speak to his wife about this matter. Rather, let him quietly observe the situation with the eye of discernment: it is very likely that tomorrow the mother will take back what she said. If the young bride lets her tongue slip and complains about her mother-in-law, let him not lend her his shoulder, saying, “Be patient, these days will pass”; rather, let him say, “Win my mother's heart; I do not want to hear complaints again.” Let him give his presents to his young bride in secret. This is not out of fear; it is out of good manners. Let him speak kindly and gently to his young bride. If the young bride becomes pregnant, let the son not be the one to announce it. Even when his first child comes into the world, let him refrain from saying “my child,” “my daughter,” “my son” — this is an old rule of etiquette. Today young men immediately shout out, “My wife is pregnant,” and brides go about showing their bellies to everyone and saying shamelessly, “my child,” “my daughter,” “I'm having a hard time,” but that does not mean it is right. Even if good manners have vanished from the people of this age and the veils of modesty have been lifted, this does not mean that the old etiquette and morality, modesty and bashfulness have become unnecessary or are wrong; on the contrary, one must make every effort to learn those rules and consciously practice them. For the result of such openness and lack of veils is that the parents lose their awe; once awe disappears, obedience goes; once obedience departs, young people do whatever comes into their heads, making mistake upon mistake, and wander into life's dead ends. Therefore, in any situation it is proper to feel modesty before one's parents and to hold to the laws of etiquette. The groom must maintain deep respect for his bride's parents — his father-in-law and mother-in-law. Let him not forget that his father-in-law and mother-in-law are not his friends, nor are they above his own parents. It is better that he speak to them with a certain distance, refrain from taking help and support from them, keep silent in their presence, and not visit their home too often. It is good if each time he visits he gives his father-in-law and mother-in-law a gift of some kind. But let his gifts not become more expensive than those he gives his own parents. The Prophet ﷺ honored the son-in-law. The bride's parents, that is, the father-in-law and mother-in-law, must honor the groom and mention his name with respect. If their daughters let their tongues slip and complain about their husbands, it is better to say, “Be quiet.” One must stress every time: “My daughter, keep my son-in-law content; do not complain to us about him.” Let mothers not allow their married daughters to gossip, nor let them speak ill of their co-in-laws. We will dwell on this in detail in the section called The Co-In-Laws, insha Allah. Thus the groom deals with his father-in-law and mother-in-law, with his wife's brothers, and with the husbands of his wife's sisters at a distance and in a considered way. For a single inappropriate word that leaves the tongue can bring much bitterness and strife. If the groom wisely keeps the balance, does not lean to either side, and stands firm at the point of impartiality and justice, wisdom and compassion, the atmosphere in the family will be good, fresh, pleasant and free. If he forgets his responsibility and acts thoughtlessly, cracks may appear in the building of the family.

Akrom MALIK