Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

THE IN-LAWS

Section Four

The Bride

The truth a bride must come to understand is that she is the center of the lineage, of the family. All affairs, all talk revolve around the bride: a young man makes efforts in order to marry; matchmakers are sent to bring a bride; a wedding is held to bring the bride home; the bride makes her greeting bows; the bride is gossiped about; the bride is scolded; the bride is praised; the bride brings children into the world; the bride serves; the bride raises the heirs of the line, and so on. If every bride grasps this truth, she will grasp her own worth, her value and her honor. As a result, the bride will need to conduct herself in keeping with this honor and to develop a character befitting her worth. When a girl marries, first of all she must set her intention right and repeat within herself again and again: “I am marrying to fulfill my main duty in life. I will serve my husband, I will bring children into the world, I will raise them, I will earn the prayers of my mother-in-law and father-in-law!” It is not for nothing that they say, “Marriage is a fist.” Married life is neither easy nor a game, but neither is it hard and grueling. Married life is a path of choice: whatever your intention and effort, it takes on that same color. Once the girl's marriage is settled, she prepares herself spiritually for being a bride and asks Allah for help and success in finding a worthy place in the family she is going to. In the family she is joining, she regards everyone as closest to her, as her dearest friends: “My husband is my support, my mother-in-law is my mother, my father-in-law is my father, my husband's elder sister is my elder sister, my husband's younger sister is my younger sister, the wives of my husband's brothers are my dear ones.” Anyone can make mistakes; let the bride not spread at once to the whole world the things that seem wrong to her. On the contrary, in her new family it is good for her to be blind of eye, deaf of ear and mute of tongue. Secondly, it is beautiful for her not to put on airs to show herself in a good light, not to keep saying “Dear Mother” at every turn, and not to keep up similar formalities and effusive courtesies. For formality is a burden. If at the start you showed excessive deference, you are obliged to carry that load to the end. That is why it is good to be sincere and moderate. Naturally, a cold, frowning face is not acceptable either. Thirdly, one must not take any word to heart, and not repeat every word as if it mattered. The mother-in-law, the husband's elder sisters and younger sisters are all women; if some improper word suddenly rolls off someone's tongue, the desirable thing is to pretend not to have heard it or known of it, and as far as possible to put it out of mind. Fourthly, in a home with a mother-in-law, a smile and a gentle voice are very important. Even when she hears a reprimand, even when the work is heavy, she smiles and speaks in a gentle voice. The main thing is that this must come from within, not out of obligation. Fifthly, she strives to win the mother-in-law's heart and not to hurt it. Of course, this must be sincere, not artificial or false. It is right not to resent the mother-in-law deep inside, because what is in the heart one day comes out on the tongue. Even if a little bitterness toward the mother-in-law appears in the heart, it must be driven out. Let no coldness come between them. Let no gossip come to the tongue. People walk by their mouths. No word stays on the ground. Men and women are alike — in this matter there is not the slightest difference between them: they are equally active in carrying talk along. A word said with “let's keep it between us” seeps out like water from a hole.

If the bride is patient, sweet of tongue, bright of face, nimble and neat, the world is a rose garden. No mother-in-law sets out to destroy her son's family; the mother-in-law's scolding is honey, her upbringing a blessing. Let brides not make mistakes out of youthfulness. The mother-in-law's sulking and her bitter words are good tidings that mean: speak sweetly to me, serve me wholeheartedly, collect your wits, I love you. A mother-in-law has an inner love for her bride, there is no doubt of it; she just does not show it. That is why, if brides make their hearts radiant like the sun and their faces luminous like the moon, the whole family lives in well-being. Winning her heart is enough. After all, the most delicate heart in the world is a mother-in-law's heart. Mothers-in-law love their brides even more than their daughters and their sons. This love is merely hidden behind the veil called being a mother-in-law. The bride treats her father-in-law sincerely, yet at the same time formally, seriously and at a distance — she goes no further than greetings and asking after his health. Calling the father-in-law on the phone, writing to him on Telegram, or being in one shared group with him is contrary to the rules of the traditional Uzbek family. Likewise, it has come down to us through old manners and old customs that a bride does not meet or greet her husband's elder and younger brothers, does not stay in the same place with them, and does not sit at the same dastarkhan with them. So it is counted among the laws existing in our national custom that a bride keeps herself at a distance, behind a veil, from her husband's brothers and all such men — from all men except her husband, father-in-law, father, and her paternal and maternal uncles. If these laws are followed, the family is safe from various strifes, because the customs of the ancestors did not take shape in a day; they were formed and tested over centuries. We are speaking about the classical family; in classical families such rules were followed. Today's practice of a bride greeting various male relatives with kisses is something alien to us.

Akrom MALIK