Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

THE HUSBAND’S FAMILY

Part Six

The Husband’s Elder and Younger Sisters, the Brothers’ Wives, and the Co-Parents-in-Law

The daughter-in-law’s situation does not end with the mother-in-law or the father-in-law and her husband: it continues on the other side with the people called the husband’s elder sister and the husband’s younger sister. The way the daughter-in-law should treat them is well known: a cheerful face, giving them due respect, addressing them formally, and helping them selflessly when needed. The husband’s elder sister, who in some regions is also called qaynagachi or qaynegachi, has in most cases married and left home, and from time to time honors her parental home with a visit. Wise, sensible elder sisters think of the happiness of their elder or younger brother. They value the daughter-in-law and speak well of her. Foolish elder sisters sting the daughter-in-law, act like snakes and leave a bad taste behind them. The husband’s younger sisters are in most cases pampered. One type of them leans on the brother’s wife — in some regions called kennayi, kennoyi, yanga and so on — and becomes her confidante; this is very good, because such a friendly relationship is important in ensuring the mental and emotional balance of the family. First, the closeness between the brother’s wife and the husband’s younger sister is important for the hearts of both sides; the heart always wants to hold someone as a friend; when two people of the female sex hold each other as friends, they share secrets, pour out their troubles, feel relief, and overcoming the various difficulties of life becomes easier. If both sides keep a pure and sincere friendship between them — that is, if the brother’s wife, while talking about everything, does not say things the younger sister would not understand — in the future this alliance will bear good fruit: the brother’s wife’s advice will be a school for the girl and prepare her for her future life; the brother’s wife will be an example to the younger sister in household work, and it is even quite possible that in the future they will become co-parents-in-law. The friendship of the brother’s wife and the husband’s younger sister also has a positive effect on the warm relations between the co-parents-in-law. But the opposite is bad — if the brother’s wife and the younger sister become enemies, they spend their time looking for each other’s faults; they cannot refrain from blaming each other everywhere; some brothers’ wives try to influence the matchmakers who come for the younger sister; the younger sisters fight to make their brother’s wife look bad in their mother’s eyes; it is quite possible that a helpless and weak daughter-in-law will go to her own parents and speak ill of the younger sister; as a result, gossip spreads, undeservedly, about the young girl’s honor.

That is why a wise mother-in-law should take the situation in hand wisely, that is, ensure that relations between her daughter-in-law and her daughter are good. For this, if she gives her daughter a positive picture of the daughter-in-law, and if, when her daughter gossips about her brother’s wife, she defends the daughter-in-law, there will be a good result: “My daughter, understand your brother’s wife rightly, she is trying, and you are young too...” It is said that some elder and younger sisters of the husband, even after they have married and left, come to their parental home and deliberately stir up quarrels with their brother’s wife. The reason, it turns out, is simply dislike. Simple dislike is characteristic of Satan. One must not act like Satan. A person should rein in his ego: she is my brother’s wife, he is my brother. Why should I make my brother’s family restless? Why should I ruin someone’s heart? The husband’s elder and younger sisters are paternal aunts to their brother’s child, and the brother is a maternal uncle to his sisters’ children; so the alliance between the cousins on the father’s side and on the mother’s side is important for the family. In the future it will be good if they lean on one another rather than on strangers. And this depends on the relationship between the brother’s wife and the husband’s elder and younger sisters. The wives of brothers are among the important figures in the family. Each of them has the power to influence her own husband. They should be wise and should never forget the common interest of the family and the clan. A brother’s wife who harbors envy inside will surely say something. Some brothers’ wives involuntarily become two-faced: honey drips from their mouths toward the mother-in-law, but they gossip about the other brother’s wife; then they go to that other wife and speak ill of the mother-in-law; they practice this craft among the brothers’ wives too: going to one, they chew over the other; coming to the other, they chew over the first. And so everything begins to stink. A husband in most cases listens to his wife’s words — he thinks, “Oh, my younger brother’s wife turns out to be such a fool,” or “Oh, my elder brother’s wife turns out to be so bad.” The matter does not end there — the brothers’ wives may also set the brothers against each other. A simple husband, going by his wife’s words, keeps thinking ill of his brother: “My elder brother (or younger brother) has turned out to be completely under his wife’s thumb!” Sometimes, when the children quarrel, the brothers’ wives step in too. In this way the children’s quarrel turns into a fight between the adults. If only it occurred to one of these women to reconcile the children and say: “Play nicely together, don’t be jealous of each other!” No, they run along, getting ahead of the child. Such petty things fester year after year, form a crust, take root, sprout, gather poison; in the end the children grow up, these women too step over the threshold of old age, but the enmities built on old, trivial reasons lead the clan to disunity, to going about gossiping and grumbling about one another, and even to being utterly disgraced before the world. That is why you see enmities of this kind in most families. If you look into their history, it becomes clear that they were built on foolish “he said, she said.” From this one can conclude that respected husbands and respected mothers-in-law must not allow the brothers’ wives to become enemies, to stir up enmity, or to gossip about one another; without taking anyone’s side, they must assess the situation with the eye of justice and fairness; they must turn a blind eye to small shortcomings, suppress intrigues, and stand firm where necessary. You became co-parents-in-law — you became apart. Being in-laws is for a thousand years. Yes, once you have become co-parents-in-law, mutual care and respect are a must. Co-parents-in-law should know each other’s worth, always seat each other in the place of honor, and honor each other first of all. The hearts of the in-law sides are delicate. At the same time, co-parents-in-law should forgive each other, turn a blind eye to each other’s faults and shortcomings, and always be ready to help each other. If their daughter happens to complain, they should turn her away from complaining and call her to fairness and conscientiousness. A gift is a good thing. Let co-parents-in-law keep giving good gifts to each other’s households. Not for the sake of competing, but for the permanence of love and affection. Let them be sincere with each other for the sake of their children’s happiness and maturity. If the young ones, that is, the children, sometimes quarrel, let them not step in between and make a spectacle of it; on the contrary, they should lead the young onto the right path with beautiful counsel. If a daughter complains about her husband, before at once disliking the son-in-law and throwing stones at him, one should find out by asking: “My daughter, what did you do wrong?” Even before quickly taking some drastic measure, one should give the son-in-law a nice present and soften his heart. Solving a problem with kindness is the work of the wise. Relying on force and oppression is the work of the ignorant. Let co-parents-in-law praise and defend each other both within the family and out in the street — this is the most important morality. The bond between in-laws is a very delicate thread. Let both sides strive not to break this thread, and not to cause it even the slightest harm. Let both sides counsel their child: “My son, take care of your wife, speak kindly to her!” “My daughter, obey your husband, don’t talk back, win his heart!” Only mothers who have reached the height of foolishness teach their daughter, “Get your husband under your control.” May God protect us. Dear reader! Our aim is to keep the fortress of the family strong. On this path we have said, in the briefest form, whatever is needed. As far as possible, speak good words, think well of others, do good, forget and forgive grievances. Then the edifice of the family will endure forever.

Akrom MALIK