CHAPTER SIXTEEN

CHAPTER SIXTEEN DIVORCE

Writing this chapter did not come easily. For the matter is very delicate. Our aim in writing this treatise is to prevent divorces and to achieve the strength of the family. That is why opening the subject of divorce was a very great responsibility. Life is so merciless that, however much we want families to be harmonious and united, divorces happen. This means we must gain a certain knowledge of the causes and consequences of divorce. So as not to prepare the ground for divorce. First, let us analyze which causes, when they appear, make it possible to think about divorce. If a wife constantly behaves with hostility toward her husband, keeps causing damage to his property, and it is no longer possible to be patient, certain measures are taken. Those who have seen much and who have led the community say that nowadays no family is divorcing because of lack of food or poverty; on the contrary, they are divorcing because they cannot bear being well-fed. Of course, it is impossible to ban the practice of divorce entirely; likewise, promoting divorce, that is, propaganda claiming that the solution to the problem lies in untying the marriage knot between husband and wife, is contrary to reason and logic and, above all, to the goal. Moreover, if a problem arises between husbands and wives, whatever form it takes, putting an end to it by physical and financial measures does not seem right either. Blindly drawing up laws and rules in the name of protecting the rights of oppressed women and rushing to impose them on society will not bring the intended result. In fact, we also need to find out what result we are aiming for.

However one-sided and wrong such statements as “Don't be your husband's slave, stay yourself, you are not a servant girl, achieve your dreams, you are not an incubator for bearing children, there is no obligation to serve your mother-in-law” may be, nonsense like “Let the wife come to your hand the moment you call, don't do anything your wife says, bend your wife to your will” is in no way a decent thing to say either. The goal is for husband and wife to live in tranquility, in the embrace of peace, to bring children into the world and contribute to the continuation of human life; to preserve humanity in the world and spread mercy and compassion far and wide. If husband and wife do not live peacefully, they divorce; every divorce leaves a deep wound on both sides; if there are children, quite apart from their emotional deficiency, they grow up in moral deprivation, and a child who has not received enough moral upbringing will in the future become one who commits unworthy deeds. God forbid, if there are children born out of wedlock, there is a great likelihood that they will be deficient in many respects. This too is connected with the absence of a good and proper upbringing. It is often observed that children who grew up without parents, who did not fully receive a father's and mother's upbringing, become emotionally unstable, spiritually crippled and irresponsible, and in particular many criminals emerge from among them. The more the number of people of unworthy character and emotional corruption grows in society, the more the general way of life is corrupted – there is no longer halal and haram, no fairness and integrity; savagery, hypocrisy, two-facedness, treachery and all corrupt vices flare up among people. As a result, human life comes under threat – generations corrupted in spirit and body begin to die out; this does not happen by itself: first society ages – the number of elderly grows, there is no young workforce, reproduction declines, and through illnesses, as well as through people who are emotionally and intellectually undeveloped and have received no moral and cultural upbringing committing various crimes and causing car accidents, deaths multiply. That is, there is much old age, illness, depression and death, and little youth, health, high spirits and living. This slowly opens the way to the physical extinction of mankind. That being so, preserving the family is extremely important in every respect. If husband and wife quarrel in the family and immediately begin to think, “I will not live together, I will get divorced,” and act toward that end, it comes from a lack of understanding, and encouraging them in this is counted as outright betrayal. On the contrary, let husband and wife resolve every problem themselves without letting the smell of it get outside; here they must be patient with one another, and especially the husband is obliged to be tolerant of the wife giving in to her feelings and saying all sorts of things. Indeed, the predominance of feeling in a woman weakens rational reflection and logical conclusion. Sometimes girls make a mistake and marry a drug addict; sometimes a man, enslaved to ignorance and utterly unreformed, may oppress his wife without end; sometimes a wife may shamelessly and brazenly drink her husband's blood, not trust her husband, consciously damage her husband's property, constantly tarnish her husband's reputation, disrespect and humiliate her husband, and accept no advice at all – neither good words nor harsh ones. Yes, there are such wives: there are many wives who do not take care of their husband's property, squander what their husband earns and torment him from every side. They are not interested in their husband's needs; they are selfish and pessimistic. In such a case, divorce may be the last resort. Even here, let a person not decide on his own. He must take step-by-step measures without any panic and without humiliating anyone: 1. The wife informs the elders of the situation. The elders – parents, maternal and paternal uncles – warn the husband with advice. These admonitions continue several times. The wife does not respond to any mistreatment; only if the mistreatment does not stop does she begin the process of divorce under the leadership of her parents or brothers, and here it is advisable to rely on the help of imams. If the decision to divorce is reached by everyone in agreement, nothing contrary to dignity, no ignorant actions are done – the matter is carried out calmly. 2. If the wife does not listen, she is admonished over a long period; then her bed is separated from him; then the room is separated; again long periods of time are given; it is explained to the wife calmly, again and again, that the consequences of ill manners will not be good; if the wife does not reform at all and does not give up her harmfulness and quarrelsomeness, if she keeps stinging with a tongue five spans long, istikhara prayers are performed and the final decision is given gently. If there are children, the situation is explained to them: “It seems your mother and I can no longer live together...” Children are clever too; they understand everything well, because they have been watching everything all along. The most basic rule – whether husband or wife, if they divorce, they must do it without oppression and ignorance, calmly and with composure. If the scholars of the Sharia are asked, they will explain the bid'ah and sunnah types of talaq. Accordingly, divorce by the revocable (raj'i) talaq that is in keeping with the Sunnah is recommended. It is better to avoid bid'ah and irrevocable (ba'in) talaq. This calm and gentle method may well educate both the husband and the wife. Even if the wife is quarrelsome and ill-mannered, it is not impossible that such gentleness will bring her to her senses and lead her to repent; as a result, it would be no surprise if a new marriage contract is read and the family is restored. If, however, that does not happen, both sides must respect the rights of the children and create conditions for them to benefit from both parents and receive the necessary upbringing; saying “I won't let you see my child” is extreme foolishness. Those who have split into two sides then make their own decisions, and burn for a long time in this fire they themselves have lit. That is why we say: let not even a bird's nest be destroyed! May my God make all families strong, and may the word divorce never be heard in any family! Sometimes ignorant people from outside also try to destroy a family; one must beware of them and keep far away from anyone who says “get divorced.” Such a person is either a devil in human form or a wretch enslaved to the devil. The curse of God rains down upon them. The most beautiful patience is that of husband and wife being patient with one another, forgiving one another's small mistakes and turning a blind eye to minor faults.

Akrom MALIK