CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SIX

BUILDING A FAMILY

Section Two Choosing a Bride

Let us repeat the words said in earlier pages: choosing a lawful spouse for a son and getting her for him is the duty of the parents. There are several ways of building a family, that is, of taking a wife: the first way is that the man finds a wife for himself. The second way is that some other person — his teacher, his friend or respected people — find a wife for him. The third way is that his parents find one for him. A man — that is, a young man marrying for the first time — finding a wife for himself is cutting his own umbilical cord. Such a thing happens in one of two circumstances: either the young man must have grown up an orphan, so that he is forced to do it. Or the parents, forgetting the way of the elders and being indifferent, instruct him: “Find yourself a wife,” or “Keep someone in your sights.” A young man who has reached marriageable age — say, 25, or even 30 — is very likely not to have sufficient knowledge to choose a wife for himself. If he looks for a spouse for himself out on the street, he may make a wrong choice. As a result, there is the danger that he will live dissatisfied with his wife, or live with her for a short time and get divorced. Besides, even if the husband puts up with all of his wife's qualities and bad manners, the child to be born will suffer in the hands of an unfit mother. For example, there is no misfortune in the world like being the child of a wife who is foul-tongued, worldly, inept at housekeeping, tactless, ignorant and who does not know her limits. A woman's character is mainly a reflection of her mother's. But how would a bachelor, an inexperienced young man, know about the characters of women and how they differ? For this reason, in most cases it is good for the parents to take the choice of a bride upon themselves, and for sons to obey them in this matter. Life experience itself keeps showing that paying attention to the following rules in choosing a bride is not without benefit: 1. It is important what region — what place — the bride comes from. In a good place there is good character and blessing. In a girl who grew up in a good place — a good city, a good neighborhood, a good village — there is blessing. For the environment itself does the main work of upbringing. 2. The bride must come from a good family. A good family is one where the parents are steady, have professions, are learned or admirers of people of learning; one that has earned an honest living; one that has not earned a bad name. If we take it that at least 18 years are needed for a girl to grow up, the goodness or badness of the parents and the state of the family become as clear as day to everyone around in those 18 years. That is, 18 years are enough for a family to make itself known. In 18 years, the neighborhood where a family lives can come to know reliable information about any family more than is needed. If the father is a liar, a taker of the unlawful, an oppressor; if the mother is ill-bred, a talebearer, a gossip — everyone knows it. It is hard for a good girl to grow up in such a family; however much the girl plays the actress, dresses beautifully and presents herself at school or at work with an educated and dignified look, the upbringing of the family is preserved and keeps developing on the side of her that no one sees. It is nothing unusual for a young man who, deceived by her appearance, thinks, “I have married a wonderful girl,” to find himself facing a dragon. For this reason, one must inquire about the family in which the girl grew up, so that this guarantees with high probability finding a reliable and good life companion; a wife repeats the upbringing she saw in her family in front of her husband too. If at home her mother barked like a dog and went about humiliating her father; if she is the daughter of a woman who does not respect her husband, there will never be respect and love for a husband in such a girl's heart; she too will continue and develop her mother's ways in the family she builds, with great baseness and deep vileness. So the girl's coming from a good family turns out to be the most important factor. Also, if the girl is the daughter of a mother who still lives as a daughter-in-law, that is, if their family is still whole and has not split off on its own, it is light upon light. The children of a wife who has a mother-in-law will very likely be golden. For a good mother-in-law and father-in-law are the guarantors of the family's manners and character.

3. A bride should be sought from a family of equal status. That is, it belongs among the old customs and rules that people of learning should take brides from scholars like themselves, farmers from farmers, people of trade from merchants, the rich from the rich, the poor from the poor, the middle class from the middle class. A girl's coming into a new family and taking root there is a complicated phenomenon. If the rule of equality is followed, the girl's adapting to the new household does not bring problems, because there is common ground in upbringing, in work and activity, and in worldview. That a rich man's pampered daughter cannot adapt to the conditions of a poor man is a very clear truth of life. If the daughter of people of learning marries into a family of the uneducated, she suffers from the coarseness in that family. Marrying a poor man's daughter also troubles both sides: first, the comforts may affect the character of the would-be bride negatively; she does not know how to behave in this environment; the rich mother-in-law is unable to keep herself from looking down on her. Generally speaking, equality is the most important matter. Kinship by marriage between unequal families puts both sides in an awkward position for a lifetime. Only in rare cases may there be no such problem. Equality in worldview and finances must always be regarded as a priority. There is also the factor of lineage. If families honored among the people for their lineage choose those of noble lineage like themselves, they preserve their honor and their hereditary family customs soundly. All of a girl's qualities come from her family and lineage. If a girl comes from a good family, even if she was raised pampered, even if she does not know some household chores, even if she is clumsy at cooking, she will not struggle to learn them in her new home. For the abilities that come with her stock give her the advantage in this matter. That is, she quickly gets the hang of family matters and manages them. From a good and healthy wife, good and healthy children are born. A well-mannered and cultured wife raises well-mannered and cultured children. Even if a wife is not educated, if she is the daughter of a scholar, she can bring into the world a child with an aptitude for scholarship. With this we finish our words on choosing a bride. The bride's domestic qualities — her diligence, her housekeeping and other aspects — are formed in the family, so they are not considered the main factor in choosing her; it is enough if the groom who goes out to the meeting is satisfied with the bride's outward side; a good family's daughter can be a good wife. However much grooms go out on dates and babble with a candidate, as is done nowadays, as long as the bride is not chosen in accordance with these rules, they will never find a worthy spouse. For this reason, let respected parents revive the old rules and approach this matter very seriously.

Akrom MALIK