CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SIX

BUILDING A FAMILY

Section Three

Matchmaking

In old times matchmakers used to say: “We have come to sweep your threshold,” “We have come to serve you.” Saying, “She who has a daughter has the right to be coy,” they put up with the conditions and haughtiness of the house with a daughter. Of course, every matter has its own way and rules. It must have been about fifteen years ago that a series called “The Matchmaker Who Never Married” came out. In some other films, too, matchmaking was mocked. Now and then such vices still catch the eye on various stages. It seems that the standing of the kind of work called matchmaking and of the people called matchmakers has also been damaged. Going and bringing home a girl whom a family has raised like the apple of their eye cannot be easy or happen by itself. For this, to put it in modern language, diplomacy is needed. The family is a small and powerful state; taking a girl means binding a tie with this state forever. For this, first of all, the diplomacy of matchmaking is set in motion. The matchmakers and matchmaking represent the respect shown to the house with a daughter, the value and worth of the girl. Matchmaking is not something settled over the phone; trying to resolve the process this way is sheer ignorance. The first stage of matchmaking is coming to a firm decision on whom to take as a bride. “There's a girl in such-and-such a neighborhood, look at her picture; let's go there once; let's go to her school” — such talk and methods are not right. A bride — that is, a life companion for the son — a companion for a lifetime, who should perhaps be with him in the Hereafter as well, in the houses of Paradise, is being chosen. This matter differs from buying cattle at the livestock market as the earth differs from the sky. It is good to make a firm decision about the candidate: “We will take this girl as a bride.” It should also be explained to the son why taking this girl is the right thing. If, before going to meet the girl, the young man holds a firm thought that he will marry, uncertainty and indecision are avoided. During the process called the meeting, more attention should be paid to whether the girl liked the young man or not. We will return to this issue later on in our discussion. In the second stage, it is decided who will go to the girl's house as matchmaker. It is advisable that the parents do not go matchmaking right away. For the girl's side's refusal or acceptance is uncertain; if they refuse, it would not be very good for the parents' dignity; and acceptance on the first attempt is very far from reality. It is good to choose as matchmakers dignified relatives such as paternal and maternal uncles, as well as a person respected among the people who is close to the neighborhood and the family. In the third stage, the matchmakers knock on the door of the house with a daughter. Since the matter is serious, men's matchmaking on the first visit is probably preferable to women's. It is better for the bargain of a lifetime to be settled by the heads of the families. Naturally, the words “We agree, we will give our daughter” are not said at the very first asking. That happens very rarely. If the words of the matchmakers and the information about the candidate himself seem warm to the girl's side, they should say: “Come again, we will consult.” According to certain customs among the people, accepting the gifts brought by the matchmakers counts as a hint of this. In fact, the very words “Come, we will see” are evidence that the matter has seriously moved forward. Even if no consent at all is given, with the words “our daughter is young,” the young man's side, having decided to become in-laws, may go again next time as if coming for the first time. In the fourth stage, the earlier matchmakers come again. In the meantime, the girl's side carefully studies the candidate for groom. On this visit, the suggestion is made: “Let's have a look at the young man.” The young man's coming to the girl's house looks as if the matter is almost settled, but even then the girl's side fully retains the right to refuse.

The girl's father, her paternal and maternal uncles and other serious people have a good conversation with the young man. Without putting excessive pressure on the candidate for groom, he is given freedom; whatever questions have interesting answers, those questions are asked; every aspect of the groom is observed and analyzed. It is good for this meeting to become one of the groom's serious memories. That is, let the lad understand with his whole being that taking a wife is not a game. Marrying is becoming an entirely different person. Marrying turns you into a person of significance. Once the young man is found acceptable, his meeting with the girl is arranged. This is not, of course, drawing two non-mahrams into a ridiculous event as in the films. The meeting is a process consisting of the two young people seeing each other's faces and outward appearance in the girl's home and, if permissible, hearing each other's voice through some simple question, and of the few short minutes this takes. For what the girl and the young man are like — their qualities and character — has already been checked by the parents and a positive decision reached; now the young people only needed to set eyes on each other and feel their hearts flutter a little. If we look at how Otabek married Kumush in “Days Gone By,” in our history there was not even this much. An obedient son and an obedient daughter never go against their parents' wishes. They accept their parents' wise decisions. Here we are speaking about proper families. Not about selfish parents who do not think of doing good to their children, nor about ignorant and blind children. Thus, the girl is asked about the young man; modesty is paramount for a girl; for her to tell her parents, “Yes, I like him, I will marry him,” is very unnatural. Even if for some this is natural today, the truth does not change: staring boldly at one's parents, or at anyone else, and saying “I will marry” or “I won't” is simply brazenness. Therefore, a girl keeping silent at such a delicate question, blushing and leaving the room out of shyness — all this comes naturally to a girl; it cannot be staged — this is the sign of consent. A young man and a young woman talking for hours, as has become popular today, is in fact an insignificant phenomenon. For this talk decides nothing: whatever the young man and woman swear while gazing tenderly at each other, whatever they agree on, it is ninety-nine point nine percent true that these words will never come true in life. After all, young people captive to lust are busy showing off to each other at this point and keep piling up lies. Tomorrow, in married life, all their idle talk is forgotten and they start going for each other's throats. After all, the qualities of upbringing and lineage in most cases do not match the pretty words that come off the tongue: the qualities of upbringing and lineage show themselves in the course of married life. A girl who says, “I will give birth to children for the Ummah!” may not want to breastfeed the child she has borne, or may hand it to her husband, saying, “You look after it.” It is nothing unusual for the lad who says, “I will carry you on my head,” to trample his wife underfoot tomorrow. It is not impossible that a girl who says, “I love purity! I was born twin to cleanliness!” turns out to be someone who can sleep happily in a filthy room and soot-covered kitchens. And so on. A girl who has seen her mother bring several children into the world and raise them with tender care, who grew up in a home so clean that if oil spilled on the floor you could lick it up, will give birth for the Ummah and live purely without any fine words. A young man who has seen his father honor his mother knows in what measure to treat his wife without lofty promises. To sum up on this matter, young men and women's meetings on their own initiative for the purpose of starting a family, their unnecessary messaging, their endless babbling rich in “romance” are not worth a penny. On the contrary, this only harms them: after the wedding there is neither excitement nor yearning for each other with bated breath. After all, by the time of the wedding they have squandered most of their modesty and burned away almost all their pure feelings. Now it is nothing unusual for them to grow bored with each other or to be occupied with other immoral deeds and indecencies.