CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SIX

Section Four

The Breaking of Bread and the Wedding

Once the matchmaking is completed, the rite of breaking bread is performed. “Breaking bread” is also called the fotiha (blessing) feast. To know the essence of this custom, one needs to know the meaning and purpose, the content and essence of the wedding. We are also in need of sufficient and correct, systematic and well-founded knowledge about the wedding. A wedding is something different from an event held with four people, as some think, nor is pouring out everything one has gathered over a lifetime a wedding. Seating a hired singer at the head of the gathering and making him shout until midnight; showering dancers with money; holding a microphone and voicing, in front of everyone, for show and hypocrisy, wishes that ought to be asked of God; drinking vodka the way cattle drink water without lifting their heads; lying in disgrace the way a dog lies at dawn; leaping into the circle and dancing, kicking up one's heels exactly like a calf stung by a gadfly; fake “love story” photos; learning special dances and turning the wedding hall into a theater and the wedding into a play, putting on a show for the guests — none of these has absolutely anything to do with a wedding; they are simply deeds brimming with folly, alien even to reason and discernment, to logic and thought, to a healthy life and a right way of living. The term “Islamic wedding” has also appeared on people's tongues, and confusions are observed, such as calling a wedding with no vodka and no hired singer Islamic, and regarding holding such a wedding as radicalism. “Weddings will be the ruin of the Uzbek” — and worries about how to make weddings more modest and how to bring them into proper measure have spread everywhere. Since the time of His Excellency Amir Olimkhan, the wedding problem has remained one of the problems that have not been solved. In fact, knowing what a wedding is would have resolved many ambiguities. It is plain on the surface that the word töy (wedding) expresses the meaning “eat food and be full (töy).” That is, the meaning of doing good to the hungry and the naked shows itself. The matter can be resolved from this point. Firstly, the purpose of a wedding is to announce to the people that two young people — a young man and a young woman — have built a lawful family through marriage: “Let all of you know: we, the young and old of the land, have gathered and united these two, and they have become a lawful family!” Beneath this purpose lies the importance and sanctity of the family — building a family is so important in a person's life and in the life of society that the very news of it is conveyed to the whole people through such special preparation. Secondly, since so many people have come and the news of a new family has been made known to them, let us now receive their prayers. For this, let us fill their stomachs — this is one of the most important approaches. Whose prayer is accepted? The prayers of the great, of the oppressed and wretched, of the poor and needy are accepted. How beautiful it is to invite them, to give all of them food, to honor them with good clothes if possible, and then, when joy has entered all their hearts, to receive their prayers. Now, if they say amen, the prayer made for the family is answered. The aim of the prayer, too, is to ensure the permanence of the family. That is, once a family is built, its being firm and stable is extremely necessary for society as well. For this, one must ask God for help. When a group of His poor servants gather, when their hearts are gladdened with generosity and they all beseech Him, God surely answers the prayer — the family stands firm, God protects the family; He places love and mercy between husband and wife. Thirdly, people are busy making a living, and not everyone has the time and the conditions to gain knowledge and enlightenment. If a scholar who possesses honor and dignity, knowledge and piety is invited to the wedding hall and gives a meaningful sermon suited to people's endurance, people listen to him; hearts soften, and forgotten truths come to mind. Fourthly, as people are busy with the worries of life, they have no time to meet one another. At a wedding they see each other, spirits are lifted and hearts fill with joy.

Fifthly, at a wedding the young serve, the elders manage the wedding, and gifts are given to help the host; precisely because this happens at a wedding (töy), it is called töyona — in this way qualities such as service, good manners and generosity show themselves. Sometimes there are those who oppose wedding gifts too. The wedding gift is not an obligation but a virtue; the expense and the effort of a wedding exhaust a person; it is “help to a camel already on its way” — giving a gift selflessly, for God's sake, as sincere help to the host, is one of the best deeds. Merely showing off the gift, expecting as much in return as one gave, writing it down as a debt — these are not right; it is enough to give up these vices. It is a very good custom for every guest to come to a wedding with a gift. This is the general knowledge about the wedding. From it, it has become clear that a wedding is a serious event. This event requires preparation and consultation; it is also fitting to receive blessed prayers from the elders and to hope for good for the family being built. And so, for this purpose, the most respected of the relatives and of the neighborhood gather and give their blessing, and the bread is broken. This is a deed like laying the foundation of a new house, like setting the first brick. What comes after breaking bread is not only holding the wedding; it is also preparing a home for the bride and groom and arranging the most necessary things for them. It is a good custom to buy them things — from pots and plates to teapots and cups, a full set of winter and summer clothes and so on — so that after the wedding they will not struggle to find the household items and clothes they need. Every parent does this with joy and contentment. At this point, slogans are also heard that the bride's side should not be bothered at all in this matter. This is a voluntary matter; a real young man never expects anything from the bride's side — that is a disgrace for a young man. But if the girl's parents wish to do good, one should not refuse it, but accept it with honor and respect. Because excesses keep happening in this area too, the words above are becoming fashionable. The girl's mahr is a separate matter — it is the girl's lifelong property; the qalin is a separate matter — it is a payment given to the girl's parents for the wedding expenses. The young man's side must pay both the mahr and the qalin with manliness and willingness. In the matter of the mahr, it accords with wisdom if young men are generous and girls are modest. Since the goal is to build a family, sound reason knows that one should not ask for the things in the sky as mahr. Naturally, there is no prohibition in the matter of the mahr saying ask for this much or give this much. It is a virtue for weddings to be held in courtyards rather than in wedding halls. Today the values of hosting guests, visiting as a guest and serving are being forgotten. If the wedding is held in the courtyard, the relatives, too, find occasion to serve. Honor to the zealous ones who give up the wedding hall and hold the wedding in their own courtyard! After the matchmaking, once taking the girl is certain, a wedding steward should be appointed, and all the tasks should be clearly distributed among relatives and volunteers under his supervision and with the advice of others: you look after the bread; you, the plov; you, the cleaning; you, the guests; you, the tea; you park the vehicles; you send a car for the honored guests; you pour water for washing hands; after people leave, you do this and you do that; you look after the tablecloths; you wash the dishes; you return the cauldron to its owner, and so on… Let there be order at the wedding; let there not be a situation where the dog does not know its master nor the cat its mistress. Let all the wedding helpers and hosts agree on smiling — we all smile; if a cup breaks or the tea is late, we do not shout; if some spot gets a little dirty, we quickly clean it up, and so on. If work remains for the day after the wedding, it too should be distributed, so that no disorder occurs and the wedding passes beautifully.