CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER SEVEN

HUSBAND AND WIFE

Section Four

The Character of the Wife

Nowadays certain "sages" are foaming at the mouth, saying that wives are mostly subjected to their husbands' oppression: "O women, do not put up with oppression!" Among them there are quite a few who consider themselves Muslim women and even imagine themselves to be leaders of Muslim women. Yet it is natural that, because of mistakes between husband and wife, one of the two sides will in some sense commit wrongs, great or small; and if, being husband and wife, they did not accuse each other of oppression but understood and forgave each other, that would be reform and goodness. If every wife cried out "My husband oppressed me!" over every little thing that goes "tick," would there be any life? That is why it would be fitting for women who are leaders to think far ahead and speak impartially on this matter. Husband and wife are a pair of oxen. Two halves make one whole. A horse's kick is borne by a horse. A quarrel between husband and wife is like a gauze kerchief drying. Is it necessary to tear one's collar over trifles, crying "oppression" and so on? What qualities and character a wife has depends on the household into which she was born. A girl who is the offspring of a good family is always ready to receive proper upbringing. She has such qualities, coming from deep within, as sincerity, good sense and the fear of Allah, so that even when she makes mistakes she gradually acquires fine upbringing and character because of these qualities. Such a wife can be brought up and taught good manners. However much she rebels, with proper upbringing she can return to the right path. A man can go on living with a sensible and obedient wife. Likewise, if he is spiritually strong and intellectually mature, he can go on living even with a foolish and rebellious wife: he loves the sensible and obedient wife; he bears with the foolish and rebellious one. There are two reasons for his bearing with her: the children and not making them orphans — this is the most important reason; and protecting others from the harm and injury of this woman, because a wife who leaves this husband will certainly turn the place she goes to into the next hell. If a woman wants to live truly happily, it is enough for her to overcome the vices in herself and to form virtues in their place. Wives are lovers of this world: they crave clothes, food, jewelry and finery, luxury; the beautiful and expensive lives of others always throw them into turmoil — why does she dress like that, and not I? Why do they travel abroad, and not I? Why is she famous, and not I? If a woman overcomes this love of the world and is able to rein in her various whims and desires, she is a good and sensible wife; if she cannot rein them in, she is shortsighted. Wives are rebellious and do not listen: they answer one word of the husband with two; however gently their fault is pointed out, they take it hard; keeping silent and admitting are alien to them. If a woman is able to say to her husband, "Very well," is able to say, "I have seen my mistake, I will correct it," and strives for this, she is a sensible and good wife; otherwise, she is one who wearies the heart. Wives are intolerant of the truth, love falsehood, tell lies themselves, and are unable to think about the outcome of their actions: they can never stay silent before a true word; they always say, "That's not so"; they demand nice words made of lies; they immediately do whatever comes into their heads. If she admits the truth, rejects falsehood, and is able to think, "How will this deed of mine end?" such a wife is gold. If she is not like this, she is a wife one lives with by bearing her. Wives are impatient and lack fortitude: when a little hardship comes, they wail and lament, "My life is darkness"; if the husband's means fall a little short, they complain that "we are not getting ahead"; not seeing the provision and blessings in their hands, they panic over what tomorrow will bring and, as if they were about to die of hunger and be left naked, they hoard and stockpile, preparing for a rainy day. Whichever wife trusts in Allah's provision, is content with what her husband earns, is grateful for what there is and patient over what there is not — that wife is an excellent wife.

Wives are unable to carry out a task steadily; their thoughts scatter over everything; they are unable to concentrate; they fall under the influence of strangers. Whichever wife obeys her husband and does a task consistently, returns to her work however much her thoughts scatter, and puts her family and husband first even when strangers try to stir her up with all kinds of talk — she is the intelligent, clear-minded wife. Wives are lazy, unable to cook, follow their feelings, and do things carelessly; whichever wife is energetic, a good cook, neat, and fulfills her duties in the family on time — she is a jewel of a wife. Wives crave to impress the public with positive qualities and character, whether they have them or not, and to hear applause; whichever wife never strives to appear before the public, shies away from it, and truly conceals herself — she is a friend of Allah and of noble birth. Wives have the traits of quickly becoming hostile to their husbands, quickly betraying them, and quickly showing friendship to strangers; whichever wife does not bear enmity toward her husband and is loyal to him — she is worthy of esteem. Glory and honor, reverence and prayers be upon the perfect wives who are steadfast, loyal, obedient and perceptive; who love their families and please their husbands' hearts; who trust their husbands completely; who never humiliate their husbands at any time; who are patient in hardship and grateful for blessings; who keep the family's secrets; who are hardworking; who restrain their eyes from indecent images, their ears from hearing unworthy words, and their tongues from gossip and talebearing; who do not strive for fame and renown; who do not carry the secrets of their husband, father-in-law and mother-in-law to their mothers and sisters; who are sweet of tongue and smiling of face; whose coquetry and playfulness are in their proper place; who are not wasteful; who are kind to their children and do not tire of them; who are perfect in worship of Allah and in obedience to their husbands! As for the wives who wear out their husbands' nerves, do not refrain from baseness, and are afflicted with such lack of upbringing as lying, treachery, impatience, love of the world and love of fame, there is not a word to say about them, because these very qualities of theirs are punishment enough for them; they build humiliation and disgrace for themselves. The greatest danger for wives is envious, black-hearted women. Women are usually quickly influenced by those of their own sex. It is not for nothing that in fairy tales, too, leading young girls astray falls to the witches. That is why respected women must not be deceived by the envy and ruses of crafty and cunning women like themselves — it is not impossible that many of the words being said to them in the guise of care are in fact being spoken in order to lead them astray, to destroy the family, to separate them from their husbands, and, out of envy, to cast a blight on their happiness, their abundant life, their well-being and their health. Sometimes elder sisters may envy younger sisters without even knowing it — pain comes from food, the enemy from kin. Here a woman needs to look at her own life and to be able to discern, with thought, whether the words that have tempted her are right or wrong: she must be able to say, "I have a home; my provision is abundant; I am well clothed; my children are healthy; my husband is kind — so everything is fine"; otherwise, it is very easy for any woman to become a victim of strife and envy. The main thing is that a woman must not become an envious one herself. Some foolish women, as if in love with some husband, consciously plan to separate him from his family and his wife and to marry him. Such women organize psychological, mental and emotional attacks directly on the wife herself. The way to be safe from them, and from such intrigues in general, is for a woman to consciously keep herself away from the company of strange women other than her mother, her mother-in-law and similar trustworthy female relatives. They say that if a hundred saints come out of a thousand men, one saint comes out of a hundred thousand women; but that one saintly woman is superior to a hundred saintly men. The dust on which a pure woman's foot treads stands higher than a hundred thousand impure men. Before pure and steadfast women, men are always in surrender and reverence. Which row, which rank to take their place in is decided by wives themselves; if they themselves do not acknowledge it, the words of husbands will not reach them.

Akrom MALIK