CHAPTER FOURTEEN

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

VISITING, HOSPITALITY AND NEIGHBORLINESS

Little by little, the notion of guest and host is disappearing from the mentality of our people. Some selfish people are even campaigning, telling people not to host guests. But we have nothing to do with the words of such selfish people and traitors, those who beg for a homeland and beg for a shroud. They will go on sowing discord and corruption, while we will speak about the essence of hosting and hospitality, its etiquette and customs. For people preparing specially for one another, cooking food, setting these dishes on the dastarkhan and inviting those people as guests is one of the most important practices, and its social and spiritual significance is incomparable. First of all, it strengthens solidarity and harmony among people. It is the foundation of kindness and devotion, of the closeness of hearts. Secondly, it fosters in people the qualities of magnanimity, generosity and doing good. It saves them from selfishness. Only human beings share the food they have found, gather together and eat it with gratitude and an open face. Animals pin the food they have found beneath them, growl, and gulp it down in a disorderly way without chewing. Once their bellies are full, other weak animals come for the scraps that remain. It is because of hospitality that human beings differ from animals. Hospitality is not inviting a group of people to some eatery or restaurant out on the street and feeding them; it is inviting them home and honoring them with dishes prepared at home. In this chapter we will speak about the etiquette of visiting and of inviting guests. Our people have proverbs: “Greet for forty days the place where you ate salt for one day,” “Don't go where you are not invited, don't stay away from where you are invited,” “A guest is dear where he is wanted.” Proceeding from these and other wise sayings, we will set out the most important rules of visiting: 1. One must certainly go where one is invited. If you cannot go, you should apologize to the host about it. 2. One must not go where one is not invited. If many people have been invited but you have not, take it in the right spirit and do not go. 3. Whenever you go, whether for a visit or for a feast, it is recommended that you have in your hands at least two loaves of bread or a handful of dry tea. If possible, one should bring a good amount of groceries; our people have the expression “kicking the door open,” that is, a person who arrives with his arms full is forced to kick open the gate of the courtyard or the door of the home because his hands are occupied. 4. One must sit where the host indicates, not cast one's eyes around the house, and help oneself to the delicacies set on the dastarkhan. 5. So as not to burden the host, one should ask leave to go before it gets late. If the host's house is cramped and small, one must not stay the night. An important point is that there is a saying: “Coming is by one's own will, leaving is by permission.” This means that it is better for a guest not to fidget, saying “I have some plans, I'll be going,” before a little time has passed. Rather, one should stay for a reasonable amount of time and then politely ask leave. 6. While eating, one should keep the dastarkhan clean; if one cracks pistachios and almonds, one should pile the shells neatly; after the meal, in accordance with the Sunnah, one should lick the oil off the bowls and dishes, and even pour tea into them and drink it.

Now let us set out the etiquette of hospitality. 1. The guest is welcomed with a cheerful face; when a guest arrives, if one of the children at home makes a mistake, no one is reprimanded. 2. The choicest delicacies must be placed on the dastarkhan for the guests. Lately, there are more and more people who criticize the Uzbek people for keeping the best things for guests, even in places the children cannot reach. In fact, this is the honoring of the guest. It is not begrudging something to a child, but rather showing the child the worth and value of a guest. It is a practical example of the noble aspiration of setting aside the best thing not for oneself but for others. The conclusion is that being stingy in preparing choice dishes for a guest is shameful. Respect for a guest is also expressed through a bountiful dastarkhan. 3. If an unexpected guest arrives, he is honored even better than an expected one. So that he does not end up embarrassed for having come without warning, uninvited. 4. Depending on the guest's situation and mood, one should not detain him. If the guest has arrived in the evening, one must prepare conditions for him to stay the night and make arrangements for his worship. 5. If, when a guest arrives, there is nothing in the house to put on the dastarkhan, if the ingredients for a meal have run out, one is required to fulfill the duties of a host even if it means borrowing from a neighbor. Spreading a dastarkhan for a guest and not even setting out a cup of tea is contrary to noble aspiration. The right thing is first to set out tea, break bread, and then listen to the purpose of the visit. 6. When the guest is leaving, giving a gift into his hand, however small, is counted among our old customs. The best gift is money. If the guest is a traveler and somewhat short of means, it covers his fare. Otherwise, one should give a handkerchief or prayer beads, a skullcap or musk and so on as a gift and receive the guest's dua. 7. One of the most basic rules – a guest has a right with his host for up to three days. If the guest does not say he is leaving, he is honored without complaint for up to three days. He is not asked why he came. From the morning of the fourth day, one may openly move on to asking. Thus we have briefly reflected on matters related to hosting; now let us also speak about the rights of neighbors. Today's neighbors are not like the neighbors of old times. In former times neighbors were closer than relatives. Now in the cities, next-door neighbors do not know one another. There is also a feeling of looking at one another with apprehension and distrust. Neighborliness has a number of rules of etiquette. In particular, we will dwell on some of them: 1. Before buying a courtyard house or an apartment somewhere, one should make inquiries about the neighbors. It is good to be neighbors with good people. If your relative is your neighbor or your neighbor is a relative, it is light upon light. 2. One should immediately call on a newly arrived neighbor and offer help: “Assalamu alaykum! Neighbor, I am So-and-so, I live right here. You have just moved in. Let's get acquainted. Thank you. How can I help you? If you need any help, don't hesitate!” If you yourself move somewhere, once you have settled in, you visit the homes of all the neighbors, get acquainted with each one, and hold a small charitable meal for them. Through this you get to know them closely. Naturally, one goes to a new neighbor's home with necessary things or a gift of money. If a neighbor is good-natured and fair, it is God's mercy. If he is ill-tempered and immoral, one is patient and must win him over with good treatment. One must never speak ill of a neighbor. About a bad neighbor, one keeps silent. If a neighbor holds a wedding, one stands ready to serve; if there is mourning in a neighbor's home, one lends one's back and shoulder. If need arises, you even give up a room in your own home for your neighbor, for your neighbor's guests. If a neighbor comes asking for something, one must certainly fulfill the request. If the neighbor is more in need, one should always extend a helping hand; and if you are rich, you should also ask him for something from time to time. In this way you let him know that you need him too. Taking food out to a neighbor's home is one of our old customs. There need be no reason for it. But on holidays one must certainly take gifts and food to the neighbor as well. The goal is to live in harmony with one's neighbor. With a good neighbor, afflictions pass more easily. If your values are the opposite of your neighbor's, you keep your distance, but you keep checking on how he is and go on doing good. You do not reveal your secrets, and you guard against his wickedness and betrayal reaching you. If a neighbor deceives, forgive; do not deceive your neighbor; if he does wrong, show patience; persist in doing good; keep an eye on the neighbor's children so as to help bring them up. Through good neighborliness mankind is saved from a great many afflictions and calamities. A good neighbor guards your house when you are away; protects your honor; supports you on your hard day. A person who has neighbors should not be lonely and unhappy. A neighbor must never betray a neighbor. May every family be granted good neighbors, and may it be granted to be a good neighbor! In this chapter we have talked about guests and neighbors; both of these call for openheartedness and generosity from people, and holding guests and neighbors in the highest esteem is part of being human.

Akrom MALIK