CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

WIDOWHOOD AND REMARRIAGE

A wife whose husband has died and a husband whose wife has died – both are called widowed. Likewise, a woman who has separated from her husband and a man who has divorced his wife are also counted as “beva” (widowed, single). The word “tul” is also used as a synonym for this word.

When any man or woman loses their lawful spouse, it is good for them to marry. Of course, however hard it may be to bear the hardship of loneliness, carrying the burden of married life is not so light either. Equating these two states does not seem quite right – by not having a family a person is left without descendants, lives out his days without children, and as a result the danger of ending his life in loneliness and distress pursues him. If God grants a good happiness to the one who has a family – that is, whoever bears the husband's foul temper and the wife's bitterness, raises loving and devoted children, and looks upon their faces, lovely as flowers and radiant as the sun – his heart will be filled with joy and gladness.

Having a family seems better than being alone.

If someone wishes to live alone, it is quite hard to withstand the whisperings of Satan and the ego on one's own. Moreover, stones of reproach rain down heavily on a lonely head.

Having a family is one of the reasons the lineage does not break, and it is also an opportunity to store up provision for the Hereafter. If a person manages to raise a good child and dies with faith, a reward reaches him from every good deed of that child. Of course, one cannot rule out that he will also suffer from the child's bad deeds. If, as fate would have it, a person's life partner dies or they divorce, it is fitting for him to let some time pass, gather his thoughts, and begin building his life anew. But during widowhood it is better for a person to hold himself firmly. Whether man or woman, let them not resort to things that would cost them their dignity in the name of looking for a spouse.

A hardworking, providing husband, and a modest, chaste, home-loving and faithful wife will always find a lawful spouse. On the contrary, those who are frivolous, who paint their brows and eyes and put themselves up on the market, find their market slow – every ill-bred person looks at such a woman as one would look at a harlot. That is why it is fitting for women without husbands not to make eyes at every passing man in search of a husband, but to hold themselves firmly – surely someone who will value them will come.

Those around should refrain from reproaching the widowed and, if possible, introduce them to a good match. Of course, this does not mean placing an announcement on TV, on the radio or on a Telegram channel saying “I need a husband” or “I need a wife.” This is a method that honor and chastity do not accept; today, it is said, some have chosen this virtual path of matchmaking and make a living from it. In our view, a sensible person does not fill his stomach or feed his children with such cheap and base trade. And men or women of honor and chastity do not look for a partner at such stalls either.

The elders of a widowed woman – her parents, her paternal and maternal uncles, her paternal and maternal aunts, her brothers – must protect her. They must look after her needs, and if a good matchmaker comes, they should take charge and give her in marriage with dignity.

The relatives of a widowed man must not sit idle, but should make inquiries in the neighborhood and find him a sensible, chaste woman.

If fate brings them together in a family and the duty of raising a stepchild falls on them, whoever fulfills this responsibility with honor is the winner. Both the husband and the wife who marry a second time are required to act with reason and composure rather than giving in to emotions. It is fitting that they cherish one another, do not wrong one another, and, especially, that wives guard against cunning and are sweet-tongued. For they are not young children; a family once built has fallen apart or death has struck, which means they must hold on to gratitude and patience. It is also a good deed for their relatives to help, whether materially or spiritually, so that husband and wife may be grafted onto one another.

Never wrong a stepchild, never humiliate an orphan, and likewise let stepchildren not humiliate the stepfather or stepmother who has come after their father or mother. Rather, let them honor them as they would their own parents.

Let a husband and wife who have once hit their heads against the wall not hit their heads against the wall again.

If a woman keeps leaving one husband and marrying another, and a man keeps taking wives and divorcing them, this does no good to his reputation or his honor. Marriage means, first of all, patience and forbearance. Love comes later.

Today the law forbids speaking positively about the question of a second wife. Promoting it has been equated with a crime. That is why, without promoting polygamy, we say: if women have of their own free will married someone as a second wife, let them not feel humiliated. The standing of every marriage before God is the same. Let them obey their husband with faithfulness and love, for God rewards every patience beautifully.

In particular, whichever man has shown courage and taken a second wife in marriage, let him also bear this hardship. Let him treat the two wives equally in every respect and not wrong the women and so fall into sin before God.

Taking two or more wives is a serious burden for a man. Its pain and torment are many. In this world the torment of this matter is enormous; judging by that, one can imagine the questioning and punishment in the Hereafter. For it is said that a man who could not be just among his wives will be resurrected on the Day of Judgment with one side paralyzed.

Up to now, not one of the conscientious men who have taken more wives has recommended this to anyone else. But it must not be forgotten that the greater the hardship, if a person bears it with steadfastness, the reward also comes accordingly.

The main conclusion of our words is this: in every situation, whether man or woman, let a person fight to preserve the family. Let the thought and worry go about in every person's mind: “What measures should I take, what character should I have, so that my family stays peaceful and strong?”

Only fools do not appreciate the worth of the family, only the ignorant take an axe to the foundation of their family, and only the vile meddle in other people's families and try to destroy them.

Akrom MALIK