CHAPTER NINETEEN

CHAPTER NINETEEN

DEATH AND MOURNING IN THE FAMILY

Death is written on everyone's brow. In the blink of an eye, the end of life arrives before us. Just as ripe fruit falls, so do we fall. It is a truth that pleasures turn into pain and delights into torment. Some try to squeeze as much pleasure as they can out of this life, others want to enjoy it to the full. Every kind of wealth and rank, honor and respect, strength and might comes face to face with death. Upright figures that walked briskly bend like a bow, clear faces turn pale as straw. Mist covers sparkling eyes, and the figures that once made hearts flutter wither away. A Muslim knows that everything does not end with death; on the contrary, everything begins after death.

A Muslim believes that once the creation called the soul leaves the body, life continues in an eternal abode invisible to the eye. A Muslim honors both the body and the soul of the deceased. It is from this that mourning and condolence are organized in the family. When it becomes clear that a person is dying, water is dripped into his mouth. His loved ones sit facing him and recite the words of faith. Surah Ya-Sin is read at the head of the one whose departure is certain.

Once the person has passed away, his eyes are closed, his legs are placed together and neatly tied, his chin is bound up with a soft cloth – a kerchief – together with his head, and then the news is announced. When people are told about the departed, they do not say “he died,” but use expressions such as “he has passed from this world,” “he has returned,” “he has fulfilled his servanthood,” “he has completed his servanthood.”

The bereaved family must immediately be surrounded by the help of relatives and friends. The questions of who will wash the body, who will lead the funeral prayer, and the burial are settled quickly.

When someone in the family dies, it is of course natural for sorrow and grief to enter the hearts of others. It is impossible for a person who has lost a loved one to remain without a single hair stirring. Certainly, accepting that the affliction comes from God is a demand of faith. Anything else does not befit belief at all. But as someone close to you is laid in the earth, something inside you snaps because of the parting, and you feel yourself suspended in midair. On the one hand the anguish of separation, on the other the feeling that you too are bound for that same death make a person sorrowful. Your face senses the breath of death, and suddenly you fall silent.

A Muslim does not make an epic of his pain before the world, but he himself knows well what is going on deep inside him. A fitting atmosphere arises in the household: in the home where someone has died, everyone speaks in whispers; let alone laughing out loud, it is better that no one even smiles; the television is not turned on, no one goes on the internet, silence is kept out of respect for the deceased, and remembrances such as tahlil, tasbih and istighfar are said for the deceased and their reward is dedicated to him.

The word ta'ziya (condolence) comes from aziyat (suffering). Those who come to the grieving home express their condolences: good words are said about the departed, his beautiful traits are mentioned, and people say, “May God grant you patience,” “It is something that befalls us all,” “May Allah take the departed into His mercy.”

In the house of mourning, worldly matters are not spoken of, no one talks more than necessary, and the neighbors also strictly observe this rule. Once we witnessed a terrible thing: while a person had passed away in one house the night before, his neighbor held a lavish wedding the very next day; on one side everyone was coming to offer condolences, while on the other musicians were blaring their instruments and singers were shouting their songs. I still do not know what words could describe such disrespect toward the grieving.

The mood of mourning is kept for three days. During these days, according to the custom of our people, no food is even cooked in the house where someone has died. The neighbors bring food. Lighting a fire and cooking does not fit in the heart of a person in bereavement.

For three days, no one goes to work. Everyone sits at home, says remembrances for the deceased, recites the Quran, performs voluntary prayers and dedicates their reward to him, and also receives those who come to offer condolences.

During mourning, going to extremes, wailing loudly, scratching one's face, crying out are not good things at all. In any situation a person must not go too far and must keep himself in check.

The sorrow of death is great, the burden of separation is even greater; these two pains burn the heart of every member of the family, and at such a time coming to offer condolences and comfort is a very serious matter. The more people come to offer condolences, the better – it becomes easier to overcome the grief.

Those who have left the family must not be forgotten. Every person should remember the departed and always dedicate rewards to their souls. This should be done every day. Telling the young about the good deeds of the departed and holding them up as an example is counted among the beautiful deeds.

Grief is part of being human. It is very hard for a person to fight grief alone. That is why you should never leave your friends who have suffered a loss on their own. Whatever the situation, drop what you are doing and go to them, stand by them, and try to lighten their grief. Sometimes it is not words but actions that are enough.

Our mother Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, said: “The incident of the slander (ifk) happened. The whole world was dark in my eyes. Then an old woman came to see me. She could not say a single word of comfort, but she sat beside me and wept and wept. Years have passed, but I have never been able to forget that old woman's compassion for me.” Honor and glory to those who share in others' pain! May God protect their hearts from sorrow!

And as for the undiscerning who look at a person's outward appearance and think, “Everything is fine with him, he is not grieving” – may He grant them to burn and ache like a true human being!

Akrom MALIK