CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SIX

Section Two

Choosing a Groom

Choosing a groom differs seriously from choosing a bride, naturally. While in choosing a bride the family is the first thing considered, what matters here is the state in which the young man stands at the threshold of marriage. When we say “state,” we mean, first of all, his physical and spiritual health and his having some profession or trade. Let us analyze what physical health is. It is the soundness of the young man's four limbs. Of course, defects that are congenital or arise from causes beyond the person's control are not taken into account. But a young man's engaging in physical exercise is a positive quality for him. About a young man who runs in the morning, does pull-ups on the bar, swims and in general does not neglect his physical health and the shape of his body, one can conclude, at the very least, that he is determined. The young man's clothing, his hair and the way he takes care of himself are the second point of attention. A long-sleeved shirt, modest trousers, short hair and a similar appearance befitting a man's nature are a reflection of the inner world. A young man who loves to make his hair look like a basket and go around flashy has not yet entered the stage of manhood; his worldview has not fully formed; he is just a boy living in the adolescent stage of showing himself off. For a matured heart and mind do not allow one to appear in society with a frivolous look. There are very many kinds of invisible diseases. Among them, quite a few are dangerous and incurable, that is, end tragically. For this reason, a medical examination of the candidate for groom is important today. The girl's father must see reliable results of blood tests and so on. One cannot be careless in this matter. The groom's side must also accept this in the right spirit. No parents of sound mind would agree to give a daughter raised like the apple of their eye to a young man stricken with an incurable illness, and this is natural. As for spiritual health, the point is that the young man's belief must be sound. That is, first and foremost, his religious level must be checked. In this matter, the girl's parents may ask a person of knowledge to look at the young man's positions in this area. Likewise, it is appropriate to sift through his views related to the state and politics, because it is a good quality for every man to stand at a sufficient and correct point on this issue. The young man's relations with elders, his compassion for the young, his respect for women, his intelligence and discernment, his manners and morals, his sense of responsibility and keeping his word, his calmness and composure are not overlooked. On these matters it is desirable for the girl's father to have a conversation with the future groom in the presence of his brothers — the girl's uncles, that is — and similar dignified relatives. If various questions are asked, attention is paid to how the young man conducts himself, and then a decision is made with impartial counsel, it will turn out well. Of course, in choosing a groom, his being from a nearby neighborhood and his parents being respected are also among the main criteria of evaluation. Forty trades are few for a young man. In the past, future grooms were made to chop firewood. Today, even if no one says exactly “chop firewood for us,” there is still a need for some equivalent form of it. Our forefather Hazrat Bahauddin Muhammad Naqshband, quddisa sirruhu, before accepting people who wished to become his disciples, would require that they first learn some trade. He did not admit a person without a trade into the ranks of his disciples. For if a man has a lawful means of livelihood of his own, he will be far from the danger of greed. For this reason, it is fitting for a would-be groom to be capable of some manual labor. In our capital there are courses preparing girls to be brides. But we have not yet seen a course preparing young men to be grooms, although it accords with reason and logic that a young man should prepare specially for family life even more than a girl; and this is also the demand of present-day life.

It is good for girls' fathers to require the young men who say “I will be your son-in-law” to have some definite trade. It is even better if a young man, intending to marry a good girl, fulfills certain conditions. Then he will know the worth of his wife, will not beat her, will take care of her and will not hastily divorce her. A real young man passes a test for the sake of a good girl. If a suitor who wants to become a groom has no trade, let him go and learn one and then come back. A diploma is one thing, a trade is another. Let a father who has raised his daughter beautifully not hesitate to make demands of grooms. So as not to regret it and lament tomorrow, let him hand his daughter over into reliable hands. Let him sift the groom seven times. A young man's fighting for a good girl is his virtue; he loses nothing by it; naturally, let the groom's parents understand this and bear patiently with their son becoming a man and passing the test. Marriage means stepping into manhood. It is not a noisy wedding and jumping about frivolously. Not everyone in the world is learned. Even if the candidate for groom does not have very deep knowledge, it is good if he is an admirer of people of knowledge. Even if his knowledge is not overflowing, his being moral is the main condition. Do not give your daughters to the immoral and foolish, the shameless and brazen. If the young man who wants to marry has a telegram channel full of pointless babble or devoted to some other purpose, it should be checked too. It is better to give up all sorts of worthless criteria such as “the young man is rich,” “he studied abroad,” “he is such-and-such.” It is natural for a young man to be short of means, a little poor. For he is only now building his life. After his parents marry him off, he works for his wife and his future children. The main thing is that he is not lazy and not immoral — that is enough. With marriage, blessing descends. If matchmakers come on behalf of young men who intend to follow the path of knowledge, special respect must be shown to them. This candidate, too, is examined with great gentleness and wisdom. Attention is paid to whether knowledge and good manners are in proportion. If he is liked, consent is given; if the heart is not inclined, he is refused gracefully. Let the requirements we mention not seem a hardship to anyone. These requirements are very simple and practical. Perhaps we have simply forgotten them. Let those who intend to marry read and draw their own conclusions. Let those who intend to marry off a daughter also take them into account. For these words are not ours; they are the words of our customs and traditions, our mentality and experience. They are words addressed to people who know life to be serious and accept it as such.

Akrom MALIK